Anger often carries a label of a negative emotion: we scold children for it, and a adults we see it as a failure or an inappropriate loss of control. Why do we feel ashamed of such a common emotion and try to avoid or suppress it even in adulthood?
We tend to either suppress anger or intensely express it inappropriately. In my past I deeply suppressed anger for a long time. As a child, I was very afraid of people who got angry, which made me believe that anger was bad and harmful. The problem is that we aren’t taught about the concept of protective anger — we don’t know that there’s another way to be angry, not the aggressive type we find unpleasant.
Many of us didn’t grow up with healthy role models and didn’t have the chance to witness them. My children didn’t always see them either — my husband and I used to be different from how we are now. Our perception of anger is often distorted, full of negative connotations. But there is a difference between reactive anger and protective anger.
Protective anger shows up when I understand myself, know my values, needs, and boundaries — and I get angry when something violates them. It’s important to feel this kind of anger in such moments; in fact, it would be a bad sign if we didn’t.
How can we recognize protective anger from other, potentially more destructive forms?
The key is to understand where the anger comes from. Anger is tied to the issue of boundaries, which often stem from self-awareness. If we don’t know ourselves, our needs, and values well, we are unable to be aware of our boundaries or communicate them to others. That’s when we react strongly to anything that disturbs us or makes us feel threatened. It happens quickly — I don’t even realize why I’m angry; I just react, often in a destructive way. This kind of anger hurts us and those around us, leaving a lingering unpleasant feeling.
When we understand ourselves better, we shift more into protective anger. Anger then works like a warning light, flashing when something crosses our boundaries or violates our values. When we know ourselves, we can more clearly recognize what’s going on and use that awareness to protect ourselves or our loved ones. Protective anger doesn’t have to leave behind a bitter aftertaste of guilt.
Anger is also rarely the first emotion we feel. It’s often triggered by something else — fear, helplessness, or even plain exhaustion. Anger just alerts us that something’s wrong.
We need protective anger, even if it leads to uncomfortable situations — for example, when we’re angry with people we care about. How can we handle those situations without harming ourselves or others?
This is the art of communication and working with difficult emotions, not just anger, such as sadness or fear. The most important thing is to notice what’s happening inside us, to feel the emotion in our body. Pause for a moment, observe ourselves, and reflect on what we’re missing and what we need. Once we’re aware of the emotion, it is useful to communicate our feelings and needs using “I” statements, rather than accusations. So instead of saying, “You’re this or that,” say something like, “When you raise your voice at me, I feel afraid you might leave,” or “I would need you to…” It’s a skill that can be learned — practice it at home, sometimes you may succeed, sometimes you may fail – the important thing is to try and see how it works.
People around us feel safer when we’re transparent. If we twist our expression into indirect or unclear forms, people can’t read us — they stay on the edge. That increases the likelihood that our needs won’t be met. Of course, no one can always meet our needs; however, it’s a relief to at least express and name them.
If someone close to me is angry, is it helpful to ask, “What do you need?”
Acknowledging the emotion is crucial — it increases the chance that it won’t escalate. Often, we feel as if no one truly sees us or our experience, and it helps when the other person validates our emotion instead of ignoring or distracting from it. For example: “I see you’re very angry — is there something that would help you right now? What do you need?” This question can have many answers — punching a pillow, yelling, drinking a warm tea, going for a run, getting a hug, meditating…
Sometimes we don’t even know how to answer. We can list everything we want — to go here, buy that, achieve this — but what do we need? That’s a deeper question.
What determines how well we handle anger? Is it mainly about role models?
When we’re born, we get angry when our needs aren’t met. But we absorb patterns from our environment from a very young age — we’re raised by caregivers who were raised themselves, and behaviors get passed on. As children, we adapt to those closest to us, especially parents. Each of us develops different defense mechanisms and strategies to stay within our parents’ protection. It’s not a simple or linear process — two people with similar parents may behave very differently. There are many layers to it.
Self-awareness and personal development is a long-term process. We can choose to begin working on ourselves, but what can we do if, say, we get angry again in just a few seconds? Is there anything we can incorporate into our lives — especially if we are quick-tempered and want to avoid hurting those around us?
Noticing that something’s wrong and deciding to change is already a huge step forward. Learning to regulate anger or other strong emotions as they arise is a mastery. It takes practice — and in safe situations that don’t threaten us. We need to rehearse, like training at a gym. It’s helpful to evaluate both kinds of anger, even retroactively, because we won’t stop getting angry. But we can reflect afterward and know ourselves a little better next time. Let’s think about the trigger for our last “outburst.” Was it fear? Helplessness? Exhaustion? If we had known the answer in the moment, maybe it wouldn’t have happened. But that’s a process — we shouldn’t blame ourselves for not getting it right immediately.
Sometimes we can’t even do it alone. It helps to have a partner — a friend, spouse, coach, or therapist — someone we feel safe with who doesn’t judge us.
Many people tend to suppress their anger because they don’t trust themselves to distinguish between setting healthy boundaries and being selfish. Can you offer guidance on how to work with that internally? How to stop fearing that you're just being selfish or intolerant?
I dealt with this myself in therapy for a long time. It’s not something that can be resolved instantly, though we often wish it could. It depends on our upbringing, family, environment — many interconnected factors. You can’t distinguish between healthy boundaries and selfishness without knowing yourself and your values and needs. There’s no magic pill, but our inner compass — our feelings — are incredibly helpful. They often know what’s good for us, even if we try to override them with our mind.
Of course, sometimes we’re even disconnected from this inner compass. I was like that — I didn’t know what I needed; I only saw the needs of those around me. In my case, I couldn’t have done it without therapy… I can’t imagine pushing through that alone with willpower. Sometimes, our patterns are so deeply hidden that we need someone to help us see beyond our own blind spots.
What do you hope readers will take away from this conversation? Could you highlight a few core messages you yourself needed to hear at the beginning of your own journey?
For me, the most important thing is the awareness that everything can change. We often grow up with the idea of, “This is just how I am — period.” I’m a hothead, I’m submissive… But that’s not true. Nothing is set in stone. Thanks to neuroplasticity, our brains can grow and change until our last breath — and that’s a huge source of strength and motivation.
At the same time, it’s a journey. I know our current culture is about instant results — we all want things fast and easy — but it doesn’t work that way. It takes time and effort. We can choose: either let it run its course or try to steer it in the direction we desire.
Thirdly, I think it’s incredibly important not to go through it alone. The sense of loneliness that can arise when someone develops and changes is real… It’s healing to know you’re not the only one. That’s why I organize support groups. I’ve noticed that the more I share my story and our family’s experiences, the more people feel safe around me. I used to live with the mindset “Me, myself, I can do it alone,” but it was unnecessarily hard. There are ways and places to dissolve that loneliness. For me, it’s essential to open up and seek those connections.
Zuzana Balážová
Zuzana is a coach, lecturer, and facilitator dedicated to spreading awareness about self-compassion. She leads support groups that help people find inner strength and a kind approach toward themselves. She also offers individual coaching and counseling focused on self-awareness and personal development. Her work helps people build self-trust and strengthens their ability to treat themselves with kindness.
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